I started this year with a bang- full of optimism, a year plan in my hands and an overwhelming sense of purpose. I wanted this year to be productive, to finally do the things I’ve been dreaming about for years like painting, learning French, crochet and to read more books to make up the “reading gap” I had last year.
Last year was crazy, first 6 months went by so fast (although it felt like a snail pace that time) because of the visa process that stressed me out although there’s really nothing to worry about- but that’s just me. I have anxieties that sometimes just wants to party hard and if they want to party hard for months-I let them. That is exactly what happened. Although I was freed when my visa was approved but the remaining 6 months of the year flipped my unsuspecting emotions- like racing horses going to different directions. They don’t know where to go… I always don’t know where to go. Is this a part of being in 20s?
I’m sure one way or another, we all felt lost. We all know how it feels to not know where to go… I think that’s where I’m good at. I’m not proud of it but knowing that I’m lost maybe will give me a slight advantage although there is no assurance. They say that not all those who wander are lost but that person who wanders usually feels lost.
I feel sad today. It’s the first day of February, I should be happy right but I’m not. My emotions are still swinging into extremes. One day, I am so full of energy and zest in life (makes me feel I can do anything- all that I have dreamed of) then next day it’s all going downhill until I hit the rock bottom. I am listening now to “Here Comes the Sun” by Imaginary Future. It’s the perfect song for what I am feeling now.
I don’t know how others do it. They just know what to do for the rest of their lives. Their destination is so clear. I wish I can have that vision. Just knowing where to go sounds like a dream to me. Maybe I don’t really know myself that much. Maybe I have to be more aware of myself. Sounds so easy but it’s not. Self awareness is like a rare human trait. We are all clueless. That’s the reality. It’s why it’s so easy to be a follower than someone who creates his own path. We are so afraid of being on our own. To be a pioneer takes a lot of inner strength. It’s so hard to be a creator when the society is telling you- you should be doing what the people are expecting you to do or how it should be done or steer clear of anything new or strange. It’s hard to be unique when society is telling you just do what everyone else is doing. It’s safer that way… it’s easier that way. Study, work and get the paycheck- live.
I have a lot of plans to do this year, you can call them “goals”. Last December, it was so easy for me to write them. Feeling like I can do anything you see. This January- I felt a different tune. I know I can bounce back. To feel the energy of life pulsing through my veins again. To be reignited. To really feel I’m alive and not just living.
Maybe this is really part of being human- life is not just about playing happy tunes. Feeling lost is part of finding our way. When you have played sad tunes I believe that’s when you truly know how to play the happy ones. When you have felt the sadness, pain and how it feels to be lost that’s when you truly appreciate life and living means more than just breathing, it means “here comes the sun”, and the stars, moon, flowers, smiles, presence of your loved ones and the friends you’ve made. It’s a life worth living. A life worth fighting for.
If you are wandering and feeling lost- you are not alone. I am here.
Together let’s rebel gently until we find our place. For now, get out of your own way and listen to “Nothing ever happens” by Rachel Platten.