“All we really want is to sit with you on a cozy couch with a coffee in our hand and talk deeply about whatever you want, for hours… but for now let’s start talking about the universe.“
INFJ’s are known to be passionate lovers, typically described as hopeless romantics, we may be a favorite subject by authors in their deep seated fantasies and their wild beautiful minds created these fictional characters that celebrates that undying love… stories that take our breath away and believe that all is well in the world.
Hold your horses.
Real life INFJ’s aren’t angels dreamt by the gods. Yes, we are idealists, dreamy and perfectionists and we are most likely that person who commits deeply so much that we lose ourselves to the process. But we could also choose to be the total opposite of that spectrum and be like Casanova, unforgiving and continuously getting rid of that passion boiling maniacally in his system.
Good news, we all aren’t like Casanova.
Most of us, opted to be more low key and gentle. We want that one serious long-term relationship. So getting us into a relationship is tricky as looking for a needle in a haystack. It is therefore not a surprise that a lot of us just starts having a relationship when we reached our 20s. We don’t mind waiting. Me and my husband only had our first relationship when we were 23 yrs old.
Being the rarest we mostly feel left out, misunderstood by many, still always trying to fit in and then end up being disappointed because there’s just no way. We like to blend in and pretend we are like everyone else’s. Sometimes we are successful, most times we are not.
Sensible INFJ’s finally gave up and embrace their weirdness which translates to “we aren’t really weird, most people just don’t get us and call us what’s that word again, oh… weird“. BUT it’s not the same way when it comes to relationships. You want to be with someone who understands you deeply. No pretenses. No masks. That’s when you show your bare soul and no matter how flawed you are, that person accepts you whole (and the tiny million pieces.)
We fall in love with that person who shows their beauty. Beauty of their mind. Beauty of their soul. We are deeply attracted to their thoughts, conscience, views, mindset, how they see the world, their smile, the light in their eyes and all the little why’s that makes them the person who they are – flawed and beautiful.
TWO INFJ’s IN A RELATIONSHIP
One INFJ in your life is already a handful (and that’s yourself). What if there are two of you?
I remember when me and my husband bought a lot of used books in a bookstore. The teller happened to notice that we both like the same things because of the type of books we both picked up. He jokingly said “wow, it’s like you’re dating yourself.”
INFJs in a relationship knows and understand each other so much that it’s almost telepathic, having that strong connection and intense concern about the same things, loving the same subjects but not all fortunately and can see things in the same light. Is it really like dating a mirror, your reflection?
If you think about it, that thought of dating yourself sounds scary or crazy or may be boring or exciting or amazing and wonderful or just utter nonsense. Why would you date someone exactly like you? Are you not enough or do you really like yourself that much?
When it comes to compatibility, it is not a hidden knowledge that there are certain people we can better deal or get along with others. Having two INFJ’s in a relationship really sets the bar high when it comes to the intensity of the relationship and also the expectations.
It is challenging to date someone who is like yourself. You know them just as much as you know the lines of your palm. You can see through them just as much as they can see you. It’s almost impossible to keep secrets. You can try but they will know anyway. It’s having a best friend but also anytime can be your worst enemy.
It may sound boring or amazing depending on how you see it. But loving someone who is so similar of yourself really is mind-blowing and surely has its own set of challenges. To start with, you are both extremely sensitive to a fault and caring too much even the littlest of things which causes tension but also trying hard to avoid conflicts. It is the dreaded word. Avoiding it like a plague.
Idealism is there following like a shadow to keep us trying to always make the relationship healthier or each other better. It can sometimes get on the way and instead results to just hitting each other’s nerves. You’re on the same page but has different ideas on how to make it happen that you just realize you’re already at the opposing ends.
There’s that switch happening all the time, sort of balancing act like sparring each other with two edged swords. That’s how being self-critical and also critical to the person you love means. No one’s winning but both end up horribly hurt.
We can see the future with each other but sometimes so far-fetched or future oriented that we aren’t seeing the present or the reality of the situation or the “what is”. We like to live in our minds and can be so isolated that we are also dragging the other person to the dark pits of our being. A sponge who can also be destructive because it can turn into a bomb anytime.
Passionate lovers whose passion can also be applied and turned to fear, anxiety, jealousy and anger until they may end up hating each other to a passion like fire burning consuming anything that gets on the way even the good things or moments they have once valued.
A sweet love that turned sour, a complete train-wreck.
INFJ’s are walking contradictions, dwelling in the extremes and especially on handling the relationships. Finding the middle is something you both have to truly work hard on. Compromises, setting the grounds, limits and healthy boundaries are the first few things. Talking about where it ends, when it’s enough and when there’s too much is important and setting realistic expectations is crucial even when it’s only just starting.
WHAT IT’S REALLY LIKE
Two INFJ’s in a relationship as introverts may sound boring together but I meant that in a really good way. It’s just our hearts way of singing together silently in harmony. Being in tune together, vibing on the same rhythm, being on the same page and the relationship going in the same direction. Boring can mean harmony sometimes in a relationship. It may be an exciting kind of boring. It’s that stage you two have finally found in each other in between, being in the center and bonded in harmony.
Well, we can be loud and goofy with each other too like how we can be a totally different person when it comes to our selected few family and friends. We reserve that part of our being to them. We can be our truest self. We do the silliest things together that others might find weird and may never truly understand.
We like to respect each other’s spaces and the right for alone time and also simultaneously violate them to just simply annoy each other for what it’s worth… it’s fun. We both like to look and assess how our relationship is going, the nature of it, if its still healthy or not and if we can do something about it. One of us might be overthinking our relationship at one point but there’s always that other one who helps see the sense of it and balance it out. Helping each other in every step of the way.
We are very committed to the person we love that pouring our soul, mind and heart can sometimes be an understatement and that we can lose ourselves to the process. Loving and feeling deeply can be both our curse and a gift.
We highly value our solitude and not needing anyone’s company because we like our own but still realize that we enjoy more and prefer the company of each other. Knowing that we personally chose having these moments with them rather than ourselves or other people could mean so much to us and that makes our life together much more worthwhile and meaningful.
The mind, the thoughts are what we find attractive and what always draws us to each other. The passion is shared when both are ready and willing. Respecting each other’s pace and when the time and the moment is right, we share our souls and become one. To us.. loving is delving to each other’s souls and then soaring together in happiness and makes us so alive.
When you have found the INFJ who you bonded in harmony, meets you in between and gives you all the right feelings in the world then you know you have found your soulmate. It is passionate, crazy good, boring yet exciting, silent and loud, private but intense, playful and serious but intimate in a whole new level. It’s not a textbook definition of love. Or the one you can watch in romantic movies. It’s not in perfect novels either. What we have is just flawed and real.
WHAT WE HAVE LEARNED
It is absolutely important to know that it doesn’t mean because the two of you are INFJ, everything will just work out fine. It may be true that out of all the other personality types, INFJ to another INFJ have a higher if not the highest compatibility. Considering it is the rarest personality type, so finding someone you can deeply connect with and shares the same quirks, brain or thought-process and values you have I believe is some kind of a miracle.
BUT also think that it still heavily relies on the complexity of each of you. We are still individually unique and having the same personality types doesn’t guarantee or explain everything but it thus gives us a head’s up so use it to your advantage.
In MBTI, we have learned that any pairing of personality types can work as long as the functions have developed or that sense of self growth or awareness as a person. Or in other words, being mature, self-aware, compassionate among other things and sensible enough in many aspects of life and who you both are can drive your relationship to the right direction.
So you can both decide if you are meant to be for each other like soulmates or ditch and drive each other crazy until the relationship goes haywire, explosively ended up cursing each other, slamming doors out of each other’s life.
When soulmates find each other. There is no way it will be easy. Relationship is a hard work but usually when there is harmony you don’t feel like you’re working on it at all. Love is an energy. It just flows and ebbs naturally like water in the stream.
As soulmates, we take time to live and enjoy being alive, celebrating each other’s love. We like to appreciate and understand, connect deeply and adore each other even in our worst version of ourselves. Like in that song “I’d rather be with you in bad times than good times with someone else.” That’s true for the most part.
We each have our own worlds but we love to share this world to each other. It’s because that’s who we are. We are daring, passionate, brave, intense and that’s just how we love. It may be silent, quiet, private but it’s also gentle, intimate, pure and true. Today… in this world, that’s the rarest thing.
Finding each other is magic in itself.
SatoriOctober 25, 2017 at 3:57 pm
I’ve tried to read this a bit impersonally, but I ended up imagining you and your hubby the whole way through, haha. It’s wonderful reading how you recall and retell these special moments between you, while also tackling the pros and cons of the pairing using the mbti perspective. Always knew it’s gonna be a beautiful relationship. 💞 Peace and blessings to you lovebirds!
AnnaNovember 2, 2017 at 5:03 pm
Thanks so much Satori. I was having a hard time writing it in a way I don’t just dwell on our own experiences and to try to tackle it objectively lol it was a real struggle. Anyway, thank you for being with our journey from the start. You’ve seen it unfold and still here with us. Such a magical person you are.. all the best light and love to you my soul sister!
MikaelaApril 21, 2018 at 1:08 pm
INFJ pinay here. .
I stumbled on your wonderful blog and am so glad I did.
I’m looking for co-INFJ filipinos and wish to communicate through whatsapp or kakao talk.. (Chose to stay away from fb & its msngr., I know you know what I mean ^.^, though I have ones, often use them).
I stay now in S. Korea with my family (married). That’s all for now and wish you & your hubby the best in your ups and downs – – on your love & life journey together..❤️
AnnaApril 21, 2018 at 4:20 pm
Hi there Mikaela,
Thank you so much, glad you’re in the tribe. 😊 Nice, you’re in S. Korea. Will send you an email soon. Take care to you and your family! ❤️
KathyApril 23, 2018 at 6:43 pm
I loved reading this. I’m an INFP and I think I’ve just met my first INFJ about a year ago. It’s through his work and I see him once a week one on one for about a year. As you can imagine it took us about 6 to 8 months to finally have regular small talk, since we are both introverts. It’s weird to meet someone who is similar to me, not the same but I think we “get each other” As an INFP I’ve never had that happen before and it was a little strange at first. Since he’s married we only keep to not to personal topics, I really don’t ask him many questions and he doesn’t ask me. If we feel like sharing then it’s our descion to do so, it’s not prompted by the other person. I know from his other co workers he’s EXTREMLY private and doesn’t really share many personal details with them either. I actually found out I know more about him then they did. So I have a question. About a month ago I noticed his behavior changed abruptly. He started smiling all the time, he started paying me compliments on my creativity, one day that month he stuck around a little longer than usual to talk to me, and he even did this little dance for me at one point. As an INFP I just thought he was being nice. After that month one day he mentioned his wife, he couldn’t look at me and seemed embarrassed. That seemed very strange because he rarely mentions his wife (maybe twice the whole year) So then I thought “Ohhhh… was he flirting with me before”?? INFP’s are super observant but so oblivious with stuff like this. INFJ’s are really confusing and coming from an INFP that’s saying something. My question is: Is that normal INFJ behavior? Do you think he was just being nice and friendly? I was under the impression you guys didn’t do things like silly dancing for people you only see once a week?? He also sometimes has trouble looking at me and seems embarrassed, but only sometimes. I’m stumped??? Since he’s around because of his job, he’s never acted in an inappropriate way, and he’s married, I thought it’s just to weird to straight up ask him if he likes me. If he was just being friendly then that would be waaay to awkward for this INFP to handle.
AnnaApril 26, 2018 at 5:52 pm
INFJ’s tend to do things with a purpose and by corollary they have a purpose for everything they do. Also in general their ‘opening up’ to another person is a lightswitch. There is a reason for that lightswitch being flipped on.
What is the reason and purpose is in your case? Maybe you are a friend with no further intentions and the lightswitch was just flipped on. Maybe there is trouble at home and you have been deemed to have a suitable shoulder to understand and therefore cry on. Maybe there is intention and hope for much more.
Beyond that, an INFJ is still human and still acts in the same way most other humans act. No special unicorns here. Same old normal human problems. If you guessed as to what was happening what would it be? Chances are that your guess is a likely possibility. If you don’t intend to get involved in something you don’t want to, it is best to avoid taking the first step down that wrong direction.
Thanks for reading! I wish you luck and happiness. <3
BlueApril 18, 2019 at 8:46 am
I am an INFJ who had fallen in love with another INFJ. I decided to do some research online to read about what is said as far as our compatability. That’s how I came across your page. It was very insightful, enjoyable and touching. Thank you so much for sharing! I love you write and to read as well. I don’t have the words to fully convey my gratitude. I especially loved the images you added. So many great reminders, words of wisdom, encouragement and tips….best wishes to you and your husband!
AnnaMay 14, 2019 at 3:42 pm
Thank you so much Blue! Your words greatly touched me to keep writing. Best wishes to both of you too! <3
JohnFebruary 29, 2020 at 6:59 am
Anna, You write masterfully. I am an INFJ who recently has been spending time with an INFJ coworker. I am shaken up. The timing is peculiar in that my partner/wife of 10 years (ENSJ) & I only recently separated. It was as though this INFJ coworker sensed it & asked me for time outside work. We had worked together for seven months but she only expressed interest in spending time together after my separation from my wife, despite having no knowledge of the separation.
I’m not sure “love” aptly describes my feeling for this INFJ coworker. I feel as though she peers in my soul on command; that dishonesty or omission of any kind is useless. We go straight to feelings, concepts and spirituality — no small talk. I am completely and utterly blown away, and scared; magnetically attracted to her intellect, spirit, and physical being.
I have not communicated this to her (yet) for fear of coming on too strong. She is early 40s and has never been married (I’m mid-thirties). I am equally terrified & grateful to have found her. I know that I must communicate all of this to her but fearful of poor timing. Though I do not know I can hide this from her much longer without losing my composure. I am frightened.